Something That Will Change Your Life

On April 3rd, I really thought I was dying. I sat outside and started to write to my kids - the last, best advice I could ever give to them.
I was angry and confused and sad and my heart was skipping constantly. By the afternoons I could barely lift my head off the couch. I had spent all of March trying to find answers - trying to find the a new family doctor that ticked all the right boxes (close to home, great character, communicator, nice staff).
The pain in my left side came and went, but wasn't as bothersome as my heart. I really struggled to walk Jack, my breath always coming up short.
I only wrote a few pages before I was too tired to continue. And wondered if it mattered anyway.
Then guess what? I didn't die!
I went to bed early (Ambien!) and the next morning, got up and was fine in the morning. Then in the afternoon - I was back to writing my dying notes again.
But I didn't die.
This cycle would continue a few weeks more. I started to bruise horribly. Became weaker. My heart was wonky all month long, many nights around 5-7pm it would race, I'd feel pain, and thought, "This is it!" I'd lie down and either prepare to die (I was pretty accepting by this point) or not. Obviously, I didn't die.
I'd go from wanting to figure out whatever it was so I could find a way to make myself better - to wanting to just STOP trying to figure it out and just let whatever happen, happen. Just as my health bounced back and forth, my will bounced back and forth.

One thing I did decide, was to write a book about my experience...when you think you're going to die, you start to question everything. You discover what is important. Your go over choices you've made.

I've try to be that person that takes lemons and makes lemonade - that person that sees the sliver lining in every cloud. I'd found much solace in searching online for people going through what I was going through. Other people sharing their stories was HUGE. It gave me hope. It gave me knowledge. It gave me optimism.

But it seemed kinda ridiculous to write a book about dying when I had no idea if I was dying. I mean, we are all terminal, right? We are all dying.

But what if whatever it is I had was just a virus that was hanging on like an ex-boyfriend who refuses to accept he's no longer wanted?

I started and stopped my book; Something That Will Change Your Life (man, that is the BEST TITLE EVER!) many times. I have notebooks filled with advice on power, on sex, on love, on independence, on being authentic. I couldn't somehow loop them together though. I was also worried they weren't perfect - and I didn't feel I had the energy to revise and rewrite. And that brain fog, man, I just couldn't get passed it.

I was terribly disappointed that, at the start of 2014 - I had been set on making 2014 my best year EVER! I was going to write a book a month, make more videos, I was going to run for president (just to make a point that politics is a joke).

Ah, the best laid plans...

I guess my point to this entry is that all of April (and the rest of the summer, as a matter of fact) - I spent in some odd suspension. Afraid to tell my story -because I didn't want to piss off doctors and/or the medical profession-and I didn't want them to treat me (or worse NOT treat me) because I share my experiences. I was afraid that there is nothing seriously wrong after all. I was afraid that if I do have limited time left - maybe I should be spending it simply reading and doing things that make me happy. Eating Twizzlers. Oreos. Fried chicken. Drinking. Whoohoo! But then...what if I didn't die? Then I'd just have to lose weight again! And I could have accomplished SOMETHING. So basically, I ended up spending most of the summer battling myself, and going back and forth between having faith in myself to doubting myself. To getting things done to really slacking (watching Big Brother Live Feeds - total slacker). The one thing I can say with pride is that I walked Jack every day in July, so far everyday of August (writing this on August 12th) and everyday but 2 days of June. That's something I guess!